In conversations, we often say, “I understand.” But what does it truly mean to understand? Is it merely acknowledging someone’s words, empathising with their feelings, or attempting to decode their intentions? Or is it a deeper recognition of our shared humanity? The deceptively simple phrase “I understand” encapsulates a universe of meaning — and often, misunderstanding. Is saying these words enough to bridge the gap between people?
Understanding is both an art and a science. While it seems innate, the depth of understanding needed to connect with another person requires skill, empathy, and insight — surprisingly rare qualities in our increasingly fragmented world. This article explores the nuances of understanding in conversations, its connection to self-awareness, and how it shapes our relationships.
Understanding begins with listening — not just hearing words but absorbing their context, tone, and intent. Research in psychology and communication suggests that effective listening is the cornerstone of meaningful dialogue. Our minds are often preoccupied with forming responses, making judgments, or grappling with our own biases.
The Johari Window, a framework developed by Joseph Luft and Harrington Ingham, offers a method for understanding interpersonal communication. It divides self-awareness into four quadrants: the “open self” (what is known to both self and others), the “blind self” (what others see but we don’t), the “hidden self” (what we know but choose to conceal), and the “unknown self” (what is unknown to both). Conversations that enhance understanding often occur when we reduce our blind and hidden selves, allowing for greater transparency and mutual insight.
Yet, understanding others is inherently limited by our perceptions and experiences. For instance, when you tell someone, “I understand,” your tone and body language convey more than the words themselves. Is your understanding intellectual, emotional, or superficial? The depth of your comprehension determines the strength of your connection.
Empathy is the ability to step into someone else’s shoes and see the world from their perspective. Studies reveal that empathy activates specific regions in the brain, such as the anterior insula and anterior cingulate cortex. These areas are associated with processing emotions and social cognition. However, empathy is not merely a neurological phenomenon; it also requires conscious effort.
Brené Brown, a researcher on vulnerability and human connection, argues that empathy is about “feeling with people.” Her widely acclaimed TED Talk emphasises that true empathy requires avoiding judgment and recognising another’s emotions. But how often do we approach conversations with genuine empathy? Too often, our egos or preconceived notions interfere, limiting our ability to understand others fully.
While much emphasis is placed on understanding others, self-awareness is the foundation of all meaningful interactions. Without a clear understanding of one’s beliefs, biases, and emotional triggers, it is impossible to engage authentically with others. The ancient Greek aphorism “Know thyself” underscores this timeless truth.
The Johari Window reminds us that we must enhance our understanding of ourselves. Mentors, coaches, and trusted confidants are crucial in this process. They provide external perspectives that help us uncover blind spots and expand our self-awareness. Leaders, in particular, benefit from this guidance. Leaders actively seeking feedback are more effective at fostering team cohesion and achieving organizational goals.
Consider this example: Imagine encountering a beggar on the street. Your immediate understanding might be that they need money for food or shelter. However, your decision to help (or not) is shaped by your values and biases. You may disapprove of begging and prefer to donate to a charity instead. This scenario illustrates how understanding is a two-way process. It requires you to interpret the other person’s needs while examining your motivations and beliefs.
Understanding is not a destination but a journey. It evolves with time, context, and experience. In conversations, understanding deepens when both parties are willing to be vulnerable. Vulnerability — the courage to be open and honest — is key to meaningful dialogue. As Brené Brown writes in Daring Greatly, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of connection and the path to worthiness. Sharing that is not constructive if it doesn’t feel vulnerable.”
Understanding fosters collaboration and innovation in a professional context. Organisations thrive when employees feel heard and valued. A report revealed that employees who feel understood by their managers are 4.6 times more likely to be engaged at work. This underscores the importance of creating spaces for authentic communication.
How can we cultivate a deeper understanding in our daily interactions? Here are some actionable steps:
1. Practice Active Listening: Focus on the speaker’s words, tone, and body language. Resist the urge to interrupt or formulate a response while they are speaking.
2. Ask Open-Ended Questions: Encourage others to share more by asking questions that begin with “what” or “how.” For example, “What does this mean to you?”
3. Reflect and Clarify: Paraphrase what you’ve heard to ensure you understand correctly. For instance, “So what you’re saying is…”
4. Cultivate Self-Awareness: Reflect on your beliefs, biases, and emotional triggers. Journaling or seeking feedback can help you grow.
5. Embrace Vulnerability: Be willing to share your thoughts and feelings, even if uncomfortable.
6. Keep a Distance: Sometimes, distance provides a better perspective. Stepping back from a situation can offer clarity, allowing us to understand and approach challenges with greater insight and balance.
Understanding ourselves and others in conversation is a lifelong endeavour. It requires patience, empathy, and a commitment to personal growth. By deepening our self-awareness and honing our ability to listen and empathise, we can create meaningful connections that enrich our lives and those of others. Carl Rogers, a pioneer in humanistic psychology, once said, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” Similarly, when we accept others as they are, understanding becomes possible.
[1] Steve Correa is an Executive Coach and Author of The Indian Boss at Work, Thinking Global, Acting Indian
[2] Ronald D’Souza has Corporate and Consulting Experience and mentors new startup’s.
This article was first publised on medium on 2nd Dec 2024.
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